One of my readers, Kelly W., sent this to me. It was the first laugh I had in the morning as I could see exactly what she was describing. I want to share it with you:
So…couldn’t sleep. Have I ever told you I got
whiplash from swatting a deer fly once? Yep! Had to wear a neck brace for 8
weeks. Also, this time of year, flies are sluggish and weird. I was reading my
phone, in the dark, just trying to get sleepy. A fly would not stop crawling on
my hands, dive -bombing my face. I swatted at it, but did not know where it
went. UNTIL I felt it crawling on me under my nightgown! Jumped out of bed
doing the “just get off me!” dance and figured it had flown off and was around
planning its next sortee. I went to find the only flyswatter no one has
lost…looks like an electrified tennis racket, and sat on the side of the bed
with lamp on waiting for it to buzz the lamp. After about a minute, I feel it
under my nightgown coming out from his hiding place under my “b****t! Let the
dancing commence again! This time, I saw it fall and thank goodness, it had
expired, as one might expect doing battle inside my nightgown with what lives
in there. Held a brief trash bin-side service. Back in bed, but…Nope. Still not
sleepy. And if hubby ever tells you he’s a light sleeper, just remember this
and that he slept through all of it.
I
felt defeated one particular day.
Defeated because I had so much planned in the domestic diva area, but
every time I’d start to do one of the things, I ached somewhere on this old
body. Everything seemed absolutely
daunting. I sat down and thumbed through
FACEBOOK, a mindless distraction most of the time. One of my friends must have sensed I needed
to read what she posted: IT’S O.K. IF
ALL YOU DID TODAY WAS SURVIVE. Holy
moley, that is exactly what I had done……survived.
EARLY VACUUM CLEANERS RAN ON
GAS, NOT ELECTRICITY. Well, I’ve seen
“vacuum cleaners” sucking up meal droppings under the table---they run on four
legs and have a wagging tail.
It’s easy to distract fat people; it’s a piece of cake. It’s easy
to distract squirrels; they’re nuts.
It’s easy to distract teachers; everything is chalked up to
experience. It’s easy to distract a
laundry attendant; they’re such bubble heads.
It’s easy to distract a bear; just say “Aww, Honey.” It’s easy to distract detectives; they don’t
have a clue. It’s easy to distract a
child, just kid ‘em. It’s easy to
distract a grocer, give them some food for thought.
I learned a new expression---“fun hoover”. It’s a person who sucks the fun out of something like a Hoover vacuum cleaner.
People who can’t communicate effectively think everything is
an argument.
Word for the day:
HURKLE-DURKLE---a 200 year-old Scottish term meaning to lounge in bed
long after it’s time to get up. Hmmm, I
do that often. I love being retired so I
can hurkle-durkle until the sun comes up.
Aint Daisy lives in the country. I asked her what those who
visit her who live in the city ask, “How do you tolerate the quiet?” She told me she tells them, “I tol'rate the
sublime quiet very well. It’s the noisy
city I cain’t tol'rate. Of course, there
are some loud ‘Moos’ and chatterin' squirrels to put up with an' the birds tell
me whar they are. Then the coyotes sing
the song of their tribe at night from time t' time. The hooty owls call out t' let me know they
are a-watching. Yes, it can get a bit
noisy out here sometimes,” she said with a grin and twinkle in her eyes. Ahh, wisdom from the Lady of the Holler.
Masculinity
isn’t toxic. The absence of it is. Weak men are abusive and spiteful. Strong men are protective and loving.
My friend, Dianna, and I were taking a little road trip. She talked to me as I
drove and let me know of different things to see. As I drove, nothing looked
familiar---I had driven through the area a while before. I asked her to look at
the map. She looked at me with a puzzled look and said, "This map is a
little confusing to me. I think I'm your 'naviguesser’."
I
love how the first thing they do at the doctor’s office is weigh you. I was already nervous, now I’m
depressed. Maybe next they can bring up
something I regret from my past and really get this party started. My doctor noticed my blood pressure was a
little high. I told him, “Of course it
is. Your nurse insisted she had to weigh
me. She wouldn’t take my word for it
when I told how much I weigh,” I grumbled.
“Well, Trudy, what do you weigh?”
He asked. I told him, “Write this
down on my chart. I weigh too much.” He chuckled.
Today will never come again. Be a blessing; be a friend; say
words to encourage, comfort, heal, not wound. Give someone a smile, it may be
the only one they get all day. Having
a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.
I was reading some Facebook posts. I saw this enlightenment and found it to be so very true. I'd like to share it with you and my added statement: "I've learned a lot this year.... I learned that things don't always turn out the way you planned, or the way you think they should. And, I've learned that there are things that go wrong that don't always get fixed or put back together the way they were before. I've learned that some things stay broken, and I've learned that you can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones, as long as you have people who love you." Jennifer Weiner I added: “As I've discovered/learned, some times looking through the opened window, when the door has closed, gives you a better view and perspective."
Shakespeare had such a way with words; however, in today’s
English the thought or meaning gets right to the point. Here are a few examples I’ve found and
interpreted. Shakespeare:
“What light through yonder window breaks?” Now: “Yo,
shut the dang window! I’m sleeping!” Shakespeare: “And
others have greatness thrust upon them.” Now: “What?!
More responsibility on top of all this other work?!” Shakespeare: “We know what we are, but know not what we
may be.” Now: “Yep, I’m
Noah. What!? You want me to build an ark?
I’m NOT a carpenter! I have
things to do!” Shakespeare: “Et tu, Brute?” Now: Really, man? Really??!! Shakespeare: "Give every man thy ear, but few thy
voice." Now: “You need to shut up and listen more!” Shakespeare: "What's done can't be undone." Now: “Yes, I ate the whole pie. You want it back?”
Brenduhh came over to tell me she saw a sign advertising for
a pickle ball tournament. "Trudy, there's a sign wanting people to play in
a pickle ball tournament. What a waste of good pickles. Next there
will be 'tomato ball', or 'onion ball', or 'head lettuce ball', or maybe even
'watermelon ball' !!" Oh dear, oh dear, I don't dare mention
badminton because she'd hear 'bad mitten' and go off on that. I can hear
her now, "How can a mitten be bad?"
Sitting in church, my stomach started to make the call of a
love-sick whale. No matter how I moved, the sound continued. I
remembered my biology teacher telling us that sound has a name. This
information came about because in the middle of a test, my stomach started to
make the sound, and everyone heard it, including the teacher. The teacher
announced, "No, that's not a love-sick whale's call. It is an empty
stomach's sound. The sound is called borborygmus
(bor-bo-ryg-mus). Having an inquisitive mind, I looked up the
definition. It said, "Borborygmus is the sound from the
intestines of the fluids and gasses moving. I thought, "Along the
avenue of exit, which causes another sound, which brings laughter to boys for
some reason."
As always, Trudy J
Funny
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteFrom Trudy :)