HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2017 January

                                        2017 January FROM MY PERSPECTIVE

I saw some signs; they made me wonder who decided to have them printed. 

WATER ON ROAD DURING RAIN; WATER WILL BE ICE WHEN VERY COLD; IN NEED OF DRIVERS AS SKILLED AS VIN DIESEL; seen at the entrance of a pasture, RESTRICTED!!  NO BOATS BEYOND THIS SIGN; SUICIDAL DEER, GO SLOW; in front of a mortuary CUSTOMER PARKING ONLY;  ROAD ENDS IN WATER; a bike trail sign TRAIL ENDS IN HELL (Michigan has a town named Hell); BE AWARE OF INVISIBILITY;  ( at a store in Shitt’s Creek, Alaska) YOU ARE NOW IN SHITT’S CREEK, WE DO NOT SELL PADDLES.

Brenduhh went to the store and had some car trouble and it stopped in the middle of the street.  She had gone to High’s grocery store, and then across the street to Lowe’s hardware store.  She called me and asked me to come get her.  I asked her where she was.  She replied, “I’m in between High’s and Lowe’s.  That’s Brenduhh!

There’s a town in Illinois named DOWNS.  I wonder if UPS goes to DOWNS.

I really like Winter better than Summer.  I can always get warm, but can’t always get cool.  I love to bake in my kitchen, but not outside.  I can heat up the kitchen and it will feel good.  Soup is one of my favorite meals, but not in the Summer.  With my layered clothing, my fat body is somewhat not as noticeable.  I don’t have to shave my legs.  The bugs have returned to Hell where they belong.

Whenever I see “ROFL”, I hear Scooby Doo trying to say, “Waffle.”  I know, now you’ll try it sounding like Scooby, and it’ll get stuck in your head for the day, and you’ll laugh or chuckle and feel good.  You’re welcome.

At 71, almost 72, I sometimes think about my funeral.  No, I’m not being morose; I’m being practical because I know I probably don’t have 25 years more like I did when I was 50.  I want a closed casket funeral.  Towards the end of the service, I want the organist to play “Pop Goes the Weasel” over and over until everyone in attendance is staring at my coffin with silent, horrified anticipation.  Then, I want “The Hokey Pokey” played a few times to see who will follow the directions.  Teachers never die; they just wait for directions to be followed.

My Plenty to Love friend came over all honked about not being able to return something at Walmart because they said she’d ordered it from on-line and had it delivered to her house.  I tried to soothe her irritation to no avail.  Finally, I gently said, “This is a case of ‘poop happens kind of situation”, honey.  She grinned, finally, and said, “Yep.  As you can see by my size, I’ve had a lot of fertilizer dumped on me.”  We laughed.

“Nothing so completely baffles one who is full of trick and duplicity himself, than straight forward and simple integrity in another.”  Charles C. Colton

A dear friend of mine works as the office manager for a tombstone monument and grave maintenance business.  She was asked to develop a catchy phrase for the business.  She came up with, “Our business keeps you grounded” or “Ground coverage….top to bottom”. 

When I was a teen my mother would cross her legs when she sneezed or coughed.  I’d laugh.  I no longer find that funny.

I saw this on Facebook.  It is one of the most refreshing things I’ve read.  “People who make you feel better about yourself when you’re sad are so important.  Nothing is more attractive than a confident person who doesn’t pretend to be something they’re not.  Beautiful has nothing to do with looks.  It’s how you are as a person and how you make other feel about themselves.  The beauty of life doesn’t depend on how happy you are, but on how happy others can be because of you.  Love more and care more.  We may enjoy physical things, but they don’t satisfy the soul quite like love and care does.  I am actually extremely grateful that some things didn’t work out the way I once wanted them to.”

Brenduhh came over for tea.  She was chuckling as we sipped our drinks.  I asked her what was so funny.  She shared, “Well, I got baptized in church yesterday.  I put an ALKA-SELTZER in my mouth, and then the water got put on my head.  I pretended to be possessed by the evil spirits.”  The visual was just too much causing me to choke on my tea and double over in laughter.  I can’t look at Alka-seltzer now without laughing.

I keep my extra fat for possible self-protection purposes. I'm least likely to get kidnapped; if I fall, I will bounce and not break a bone; should a perpetrator need to be stopped, I'll sit on them so they can't move and wait for the police; I can protect the refrigerator with my food investments from teenagers who have no discretion, by standing in front of the fridge door.

I think names are interesting.  Some are very common, but some are unusual.  These unusual names make me wonder what the parents were thinking:  Yule Fokker; Al Dente; twins Cherrie and Goldon Pancake; Claude Ball; Hoda Harre; entertainer Don Ho’s daughter, Heidi Ho; Owen Hell; Rosy Yass; Zowie Bowie.

The family wanted an omelet for a meal.  I got out 8 eggs, some tiny cubes of ham, and some sharp cheese.  Bacon grease into the cast iron skillet, beat the eggs and poured into hot greased skillet, put the ham and cheese on top, put the lid on the skillet for 3 minutes, flipped the whole thing over.  We’re having scrambled eggs with ham and cheese, instead.

A Facebook male friend proudly announced this:  “Work, run, eat, gym, eat, work.”  I responded with, “You and about 1.8 billion others, Except for bears. They just run, walk, amble, eat, chase eating things, and nap.  Oh and fart. ” Well, the banter began.  He boasted, “I’ve done all that before 3 PM, my time (he lives in Europe).    My reply, “Well, whoop T doo to you!”  He said, “I'll try and fit the Bears routine in this afternoon, sounds leisurely.”  I reminded him, “Don't forget the berries. They love the berries…..nibble, nibble.”  

I just read this:  “You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.”  WOW!!

Don't let the homophones fool you - carats are how precious stones are measured. Karats refer to the weight of gold; a caret is a common proofreading mark; and carrots, well...ask Bugs Bunny.

A friend of mine has a 5 year old who comes up with some pretty funny information.  Here is one:  Kelli:  “Stop running or you’ll fall!”  Conner:  “Mom!! My shoes are out of control; help me stop them!”

I’m pretty sure you are aware that everything costs something.  Everything has a currency; everything has a value.  Some things have a currency of money; some things have a currency of work and effort; and some things have a currency of time.  Love’s currency----time, caring, and sometimes work.  “You can give without loving, but you can not love without giving.”

A man is like a fraction whose numerator is what he is and whose denominator (number on the bottom) is what he thinks of himself. The larger the denominator, the smaller the fraction. -Leo Tolstoy, novelist and philosopher (9 Sep 1828-1910)

Did you know that every single day of your life you do something nice for someone else?  If you are loved and/or liked…..you live.  If you’re not liked or loved, you live which causes the disliker’s blood pressure to alternate reminding them, they are living.  ‘Betcha never thought of it that way, huh?

Blessings and smiles to you………….Trudy J \0/ \0/ `\0/`

2016 December "FROM MY PERSPECTIVE"

                              2016 December “FROM MY PERSPECTIVE”

Scintillate, scintillate globule vivific fain.  Would I fathom they nature specific.  Loftily perched in the capacious ether, strongly resembling a carbonaceous gem Now that I have your attention, this is a complex verbiage of TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR.  What difference simplicity makes.  J

Wouldn’t it be weird if you choked on a Life Saver?

Facebook keeps asking "what's on your mind"? So here it is---I still have so many unanswered questions! I never found out who let the dogs out; the way to get to Sesame Street; why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps; why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"; why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed; why "abbreviated" is such a long word; why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons; why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections; and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to; could that be a shipping and handling charge? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try to sing those two previous songs? And just what is Victoria's secret; and why do noses run, but feet smell?  Why is it no matter what color the soap (liquid or solid) the bubbles are always white?  Where the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent?

“It doesn’t require many words to speak the truth.”  Chief Joseph, Nez Perce

Brenduhh was in a debating mood the other day when she came over for some tea.  We discussed a lot and her “wisdom” started waning rapidly.  “Ya know, Trute, dead people don’t know they’re dead.  They think they are all right.  It’s difficult for the ones who know they’re dead, though.”  I thought for a moment trying to see her logic; then, said, “It’s like being stupid, huh kiddo?”

A friend of mine was so upset and feeling dark that she went to the pool and tried to drown herself. She got to the bottom and slowly started to surface.  She tried again.....failed. Tried a 3rd. time thinking a 3rd time would be it.....failed. When she told her doctor about her feelings, He became concerned. She told him, "Don't worry, I can't drown---I'm too fat." He told her he was going to quit suggesting she lose weight, "It's a life saver for you, Lois."

There is so much controversy now about everyone.  The problem, though, is that no one who is objecting to a person’s religion, skin color, orientation, or political position stops and thinks about skeletons.  Everyone’s skeleton is pretty much the same:  1 head, a neck, torso, 2 arms, 2 hands, 2 legs, and 2 feet, except for pirates.  Pirates, usually, have 1 ½ legs.  So, if you must discriminate against someone, discriminate against pirates.  They’re different when all the skin and muscles are stripped away.

The most valuable possession you can own is an open heart. The most powerful weapon you can be is an instrument of peace. -Carlos Santana, musician (b. 20 Jul 1947)

Recently my daughter came over for some chatting and cups of coffee.  When she arrived, she saw a dark spider on the wall.  She promptly found a tissue and went after it.  Sure she’d gotten it, she slowly opened the tissue only to find it wasn’t there; she laid the tissue on the table for a later attempt.  I said, “You realize you’re guilty of attempted murder with the murder weapon out in plain sight, and now I'm an accessory to that attempted murder because you laid that weapon on my furniture!”

After having a bone scan done to see if I was free of osteoporosis problems, I saw a sign inviting ladies of all ages to a friendly and fun get together.  Here is what it said, “Fun-filled evening with friends.  Free mini-massage, delicious desserts, bone scan, and uncomfortable and stress-free mammogram.”  Well, the first 3 were enticing, and then it dawned on me, “A man had to have written this because NO mammogram is void of discomfort or stress-free”…..well, at least the ones I’ve had.

Brenduhh has two brothers…. Briten and Early. They were quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Briten said, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife – she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."  Early spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and said, "Better think it over---women like that are hard to find."  Bless their hearts.

My friend has 3 boys.  They are all interesting in their expressions and descriptions of common objects.  Here is one of their gems:  "Hey Mom, where do you keep the finger pliers? You know, those mini pliers you use to take out splinters?" ...”Well son, we call those tweezers.”

Have you ever wondered how TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR is said in other languages?  Here are some:  Latin: Mica, mica parva stella.  French:  Brille, brille, petite étoile. Spanish:  

Brilla, Brilla, pequeña estrella.  German: funkel, funkel kleiner Stern.  Mandarin Chinese:  yī shǎn yī shǎn liàng jīng jīng.  Hawaiian: `Imo `imo hôkû iki.  

You will find relief from vain fancies if you do every act in life as though it were your last. -Marcus Aurelius, philosopher, writer, Roman emperor (121-180) (121-180)

If you use half dollars, quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies, you can make change for one dollar 293 times!  Start counting.  J

Have you ever noticed music seems to say what the heart and soul can not?  Whether it is happy, sad, frantic, calm there is a song or piece written which will fill the emotion(s).  Music grounds me and says what I have trouble putting into words.

Smiles and blessings to you as we close this year and look to another one.  Trudy

2016 November FROM MY PERSPECTIVE

                                  2016 NOVEMBER “From My Perspective”

Brenduhh came over for coffee.  We got to talking about the old days before computers and all that.  I asked her, “Have you ever wondered what your parents did before the internet and television shows which are on 24/7?”  “Yes, I have.  I’ve ask my 18 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either,” she responded.

It’s soup and chili season now at my house.  Each of them is home made and served with home made bread or saltine crackers.  I try to be a lady and break my crackers on the dotted line provided by the manufacturer.  Well, the dotted line is nothing but lies.  Some sadistic, evil person has designed them to NOT break on the line.  This is a nightmare for a person with neat nick tendencies and borders on OCD. 

When Beloved and I went to Omaha, NE during one 4^th of July weekend, I did most of the driving.  I like to chew gum during the tense times of driving.  Sometimes it cracks or pops when I least expect it.  I didn’t know Beloved’s annoyance with this until he said, “Stop snapping that gum!”  I kept chewing trying to not do it, but the inevitable happened, it snapped, again.  He growled, “Either spit it out or stop chewing.”  I said, “I’m sorry.  Gum helps me do something with my jaws.”  “Eeeee, gods, Trute, don’t they ever rest?” he groaned.

Do you remember the comic strip CALVIN AND HOBBS?  I do and have some of the books sitting on my coffee table.  There were many words of wisdom between those two.  Here is one of them stated by the strip’s creator, Bill Watterson:  It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning. (Calvin)-Bill Watterson, comic strip artist (b. 5 Jul 1958) [Calvin & Hobbes] Here are some more:  Calvin: "Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?” Calvin: As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.  Calvin: Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend.  Calvin's dad: Being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time.

I’ve known that scientists are trying to find the center of the universe.  I, also, know some people who are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.

With this election, the decision is so parallel to an electrical socket……Do I put my silver knife blade in the top one or the bottom one?

I unfortunately had a few words with a person who just makes me wince at all the drama and garbage they try to bring me into.  They got angry and stormed, “I’m just not going to talk to you anymore!!”  As I watched them walk away, I called, “Thank you for taking out the trash.”

Some words of wisdom:   “Confidence comes not from always being right, but from not fearing to be wrong.” Peter T. McIntyre  “True friendship multiplies the good in life and divides its evils. Strive to have friends, for life without friends is like life on a desert island... to find one real friend in a lifetime is good fortune; to keep him is a blessing. ” Baltasar Gracian “Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” Somebody

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.  Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.   I'm great at multi-tasking -- I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. 

Did you know the NFL team, Baltimore Ravens, got its name from Edgar Allen Poe who was from Baltimore?  Did you know that a haberdasher is an owner of or worker in a store for men’s clothing or small items used for making clothes?  Harry S Truman, our 33rd President, was a haberdasher.  Did you know that something can be a genuine imitation, but it’s still an imitation?  Did you know that if you get a job at Hooters the job application is a bra and they say, “Here, fill this out.”?  Why does JC Penny’s have an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor”?  Did you know that the traditional chef’s hat has 100 pleats, which symbolizes the number of ways you can cook an egg?  Did you know that "Only the mediocre are always at their best."?  Jean Giraudoux

Have you ever talked with someone and sworn it was like folding a fitted sheet with no corners?  You roll your eyes, get an eye ache from that, shake your head and get a crick in your neck, then mutter nasties under your breath and they hear you.  CRIMMINIES!!

Brenduhh came up with a terrific solution for keeping cake moist and fresh…..”Trude, you need to eat it all at one sitting.”  Gods!!  Sometimes she comes up with great ideas.

SOCIOPATH:  “They are often well liked because of their charm and high charisma, but they don’t care about other people.  They think mainly of themselves and often blame other for the things that they do.  They have a complete disregard for rules and lie constantly.  They don’t feel guilt or learn from any punishment.”  Psychology 101

The man dies in all who keep silent in the face of tyranny. -Wole Soyinka, playwright, poet, Nobel laureate (b. 13 Jul 1934)  ‘Something to think about this November.

I saw a unique suitcase the other day.  It was in the shape and color of 2 slices of bread.  I bet it was jam packed.

A former student of mine had not been lucky in love.  He’d been engaged a few times and each time she broke it off.  He told me, “Mz. R., the next time I give a ring to someone it will be plastic with a big piece of candy on top.   When it’s gone it will be their fault.”

I have a friend who is so tense, so “tightly wound” that if one put a piece of coal up her butt, in 2 weeks there’d be a diamond!  Peace, blessings, and smiles to you…Trudy

2016 October FROM MY PERSPECTIVE

2016 OCTOBER “From My Perspective”

Month #10, but it should be #8 because ‘octo’ means eight; ‘novem’ means nine, and; ‘decem’ means ten.  Now, back up to September, which is our ninth month, confusing us because ‘septem’ means seven.  Thank you, Julius and Augustus Caesars, for each of you taking 31 days so our calendar can have your names in as a month.  No wonder some of us are confused. 

A thief broke into the local police station’s laboratory and restroom stealing everything in each area. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

When a person's mean to another, it is, usually, because they know their inadequacies and don't want the other to find them out. You can't blow out another's candle without diminishing your light. It takes more energy to be mean than to be kind, just as it takes more facial muscles to frown than to smile.

“If you planted hope, today, in a heart which felt alone; if you caused a laugh which chased some tears away; if someone’s burden was made lighter because of your kindness, then your day was well-spent.”

A friend of mine had a lot of dandelions in her yard.  A persnickety neighbor put a sign on her door which said, “Do something about those blasted dandelions!!”  She did…..she made a sign with big red letters, “Free dandelions.  Take all you want.”

ONE, a single line which when laid on its side represents a negative, taking away and when it's just the one and it's taken away, it becomes nothing. But TWO, oh two is more. It adds; it has company, companionship, and interaction with another. Take one line away and it's back to ONE.....solitary, perhaps alone, perhaps lonely, perhaps moving to nothing. I'd rather have TWO, then I wouldn't be alone.

I was asked what my relationship status was.  I really didn’t feel it was that person’s business, but I didn’t want to be rude, so I told them, “I sleep diagonally in a king-sized bed; there are two towels in the bathroom and they’re both mine; I fix 4 cups of coffee in the mornings and drink all four; I drive a VW Bug and usually have packages on the other front seat.”  They didn’t ask me anymore personal questions.  I think they were afraid of the answers I give.

There are times when I try to sleep my brain and ADD kick-in together.  They’re not friends and what one doesn’t come up with, the other does.  Here’s an example:  “one sheep, two sheep, a turtle, a cow, a duck…Old MacDonald had a farm, E I E I Oh-h-h hey Macarena!!!” And, since my favorite game is SCATTERGORIES, I’ve made up more categories, and THAT kicks-in with, “What types of dances begin with this letter?  What types of farms are there which begin with this letter?  Where would you go to eat chocolate?”  Maybe some of you can identify with all this. 

A friend sent me this “bucket list”; I wanted to share it with you.  It’s political, so move on if you think you’ll be offended.

                 2016 Special Bucket List  HERE IS WHAT IS WANTED... 

1.  Hillary: held accountable for her previous wrongs!  2. Put "GOD" back in America!!! 3. Borders: Closed or tightly guarded!  4. Congress: On the same retirement & healthcare plans as everybody else.  5. Congress: Obey its own laws NOW!  6. Language: English only, other languages may be spoken among those who know it!  7. Culture: Constitution and the Bill of Rights!  8. Drug Free: Mandatory Drug Screening before & during Welfare!  9. Freebies: NONE to Non-Citizens!  10. Budget: Balance the damn thing!  11. Foreign Countries: Stop giving them our money!  Charge them for our help!  We need it here.  12. Fix the TAX CODE!  And most of all:  13. "RESPECT OUR MILITARY AND OUR FLAG!!"

Have you ever noticed that true heroes are only seen in the eyes of those they've quietly helped? With no accolades and no fall-der-rall, they help and do.  Father’s Day has come and gone, but I think of the women who take on both roles, and to all the dads who do the best they can, the men who accept another’s child as their own and become their father image, and to all the grandparents who had to do it twice. Every day may not be the best day of your life, but there's a blessing in every day, if you look at things right.  (Some of this is contributed by my friend and former student, Andy T.  Thank you, Andy, for your kind and insightful words.)

A hug is like a boomerang---you get it back right away.  Everyone needs a hug.  It’s one of the best gifts you can give.  Did you realize that when you hug someone or something, it encapsulates your heart and you feel good? 

Deer season is coming soon and Bambi is getting revenge. The innocuous deer are annually responsible for an average of 130 deaths to humans in North America.  But, don't fear its bite or hooves. The unfortunate meeting of deer and cars usually is responsible for those deaths.

A former student of mine sent me this.  I don’t get political because I believe everyone has an entitlement to their opinion.  Here’s the smiler or frowner….whichever way you choose:  

I stopped by my local Ford Dealership this morning to look for a new truck. I saw a nice F-350 crew cab loaded with all the options that I liked and asked to take it for a test drive.  The salesperson (a lady wearing a Hillary for President lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its options. She explained that the Electric Seats were connected to the ventilation system and could be set to direct cool air to your butt in the summer & warm air to your butt in the winter.  So I mentioned that this must be a "Trump truck". She looked at me a bit angry and asked why I thought it was a Trump truck. I told her that if it were a Hillary truck, the seats would just blow smoke up my butt year round.  The two mile walk back to the dealership to pick up my truck was worth it.

Brenduhh came over all bubbly.  I’d had a particularly rough morning and was “honked”.  “Hey Trude!!  How are ya today?  Are you going to fix lunch anytime soon as I’ll join you,” she blurted.  “I’ve had a very rough morning and will fix lunch.  It will help me.  I’ll make soup……whiskey with ice cubes.”  So I did and felt better after sipping it for a while.

               Until next month……smiles and blessings-------trudy

2016 September "FROM MY PERSPECTIVE"

2016 September “FROM MY PERSPECTIVE”

There was a couple who taught where I taught.  He was very congenial and she was just the opposite causing many to not want to interact with her.  She prided herself in her ability to cause controversy and would purposely do it; then, she’d sit back, watch the drama unfold and enjoy every bit of it.  One day she approached me and told me she and her husband were going out with their many friends to a specialty restaurant; she invited my husband and me, too.  I asked her who was going.  She listed many people we, also, knew and knew many of them did not like her, but liked her husband.   She went on and on about how many friends they had.  Finally I’d had enough of her bragging and disillusionment.  I told her, “Have you ever thought that some of these people are friendly to you because they like your husband, but are not YOUR friend because of you and your enjoyment of creating controversy?”  If I remember correctly, we didn’t attend the dinner for one reason or another.

There are many different “philia”s out there.  This one is interesting:  CERAUNOPHILIA:  loving thunder and lightning and finding them intensely beautiful.

“MOM!!  You just keep nagging me.”  “Oh really?  I call it ‘listen-to-what-I-said-the-first-time’.  Did you know that wives and mothers talk more than any other people?  It is because we are always repeating ourselves.”  “What?” came the question from the kids and hubby.  I went to Dairy Queen for some stress therapy.

Some thoughts:  If you ate today, thank a farmer.  If you ate in peace, thank a soldier.  If you can read this, thank a teacher.  If you awakened, thank God.

Every one of us is experiencing senescence. There is no escaping it.  It starts from the day you’re born.  It is the process or the state of growing old.  Some of us have more senescence than others.  Rejoice and be glad!!

I read this in a medical journal:  “During labor, a woman experiences the pain level a man imagines he has when he has a sore throat.”

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.  It, also, makes them wonder what you know that they don’t.

Here is something to think about:  Liam Neeson said, “Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true.  Loneliness hurts.  Rejection hurts.  Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again.  Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.” 

Have you ever thought about how long it takes to grow an old friend; that a friend is a present you give yourself; that a good friend can sit silently with you and you’ve both spoken volumes; that friends laugh and then go for the “snort”, and then laugh all over again holding on to each other?  If you are my friend, you and I can identify with all this.  Some friends are family, too.

Brenduhh stumbled over last night upset at something.  She plopped herself down on a chair and told me, “Would you believe that an hour ago, in the parking lot of JOE’S BAR AND SPIRITS, a horse asked me if I was driving home?”  “Hmmm, are you sure it was a horse?” I queried.  “Well, there might have been a policeman sitting on the top of it,” she slurred.

I really need to seriously consider getting myself in shape.  If I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.  Hmmm, that reminds me of a pie or pizza, or an Oreo, or a donut, or a bagel.

There is a fine line between a numerator and denominator.  Only a fraction of you will understand this.

I’m sure most of you have seen this sign:  “Life is too short to not be able to laugh at yourself.  If you can’t do it, call me and I will laugh at you.”  I crack up every time I read this.

I former student, a brave one I might add, sent me this message:  “Don’t be afraid of growing older.  You’ll still do stupid things….only slower.”  I wrote back, “Thanks a bunch.  I’ve just changed your grade…only I wrote it slowly so you could read it.”

I don’t know about you, but there are times I have trouble falling asleep. Here is the “discussion” between me and my brain.
Me: “All right, shut off. I’m tired.”
Brain: “I don’t want to. I have things to work on that I haven’t covered for 18 hours.”
Me: “I’m not going to let you. You’re going to go blank.”
Brain: “Really?? Remember all those stupid mistakes you’ve made in your life?”
Me: “Oh, you’re going to bring all that up NOW?”
Brain: “Well, those are some of the things I haven’t covered for 18 hours.”
Me: “You know I’m thinking of words Mother never taught me!”
Brain: “You’re cluttering and interfering with my processing.”
Me: evil laugh.

“Grief is like living two lives.  One is where you “pretend” everything is all right, and the other is where your heart silently screams in pain and despair.”  Author unknown

A while back I took a little vacation having to fly to my destination.  Keep in mind I’d not been on an airplane for years, let alone experienced the procedure one goes through to get on it.  I got to the security portal and was greeted by a man with some sort of “weapon” in his hand.  He told me to put all my things in the little plastic box and my carry-on luggage on it too.  I obliged.  All was fine until I went through the arch.  Buzzing and blinkers went off.  He asked me to go through it again.  I did and the same thing happened.  He asked me to step to a private area where he waved his magic wand/weapon, patted me from head to toe on the front side, back side and both sides.  We found the underwire on my bra had set the alarms off.  Well that full pat-down was thrilling.  Cross that off my bucket list!!

My friend is very well blessed on the chest.  She wears what I call a Psalm 23:5 bra…..”my cup runneth over.”  We were playing a game where the topic was “A PLACE TO HIDE MONEY”.  When we revealed our answers, we both had put “BRA”.  She said her answer first; I looked at her surprised and said, “I have the same answer.”  She was amaze and queried, “Really?”  I said, “Yes, but next to it is your name.”  She laughed and said, “You can hide your money in my bra.”  I told her, “No I can’t; I don’t have that much money.”  She screamed in laughter.

I’ve been thinking:  if Dorothy met men who had no brains, no hearts, or no courage, she’d be in Congress, not Oz.;  I believe that every time I lose a sock in the laundry it returns as a plastic storage lid.;  I see all these young people decorating their bodies with memories and such, a.k.a. tattoos.  I’m wondering if they think about what those inked messages/pictures/memories will look like when their skin is 70 years old.;   One must really be without financial security if their bologna doesn’t have a first name.;  According to the looks of the calendar we use, SUNDAY starts a new week.  I’ve always thought it ended a week.  WOW!!  We have both…a good way to end a week and a good way to start a new week!

Smiles and blessings to you………….Trudy

2016 AUGUST "From My Perspective"

                                   2016 AUGUST “From My Perspective”

I enjoy watching speed and agility racing with dogs.  There is little competition with greyhounds on speed (fastest dogs on the planet!), but on the agility there are many contenders.  Little and medium sized dogs seem to prevail in the agility bracket; however, one entry, in the agility of dogs show I was watching, was an English mastiff.  The owner was so enthusiastic and encouraging to him as he lumbered along at the break neck speed of “I-don’t-give-a-damn”.  When it was all over, he lay down beside her and took a nap.  ‘Made me laugh for a long time.

A synchronous diaphragmatic flutter is the fancy official name for hiccoughs.

I saw a t-shirt the other day.  It was on a person I know is a casual stroller lumbering at an impressive speed of super slow and has obsessive-compulsive issues about constant fishing.  It said, “I’m a fitish (kind of fit, but likes the idea of being fit, but equally likes food), fetish fisher.”  I tried to say it 3 times fast. 

While eating lunch with Brenduhh at a local restaurant, a couple with 4 children sat close to us.  The adults (term used very loosely here) paid no attention to their brood, thus the brood disturbed everyone around them.  Brenduhh called out to the adults, “I won’t be sorry to call animal control on those kids, if you don’t tame them right now!!”  Sometimes that girl has a good idea.

I often tell my children, “I love you to Pluto and back”, because “to the moon and back” is not far enough.  I’ve often wondered what is farther.  Well, I found it and will be using it, because I love them farther and more than they can imagine.  “Farther than Pluto.  Sedna, or 2003 VB12, as it was originally designated, is the most distant object yet found orbiting our Sun. It is three times farther away than Pluto (average distance to the Sun is 5.9 billion km or 3.6 billion miles).”

This is a true happening. "I have a wing chair which needs repaired," said my father to the clerk. "We don't fix chairs with wings because chairs don't fly," sincerely stated the clerk. My father asked if she could chew gum and walk simultaneously. She replied, "I'm not allowed to chew gum at work, and I walk just fine." My father went away shaking his head.  I remembered this story when I read, “I’d like a small strawberry shake, please.”  The order taker replied, “We only have large strawberries, not small ones.  What size do you want for a shake?”

Save us!!!

I’ve been watching the genealogy program, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE of famous people.  They haven’t revealed Vincent van Gogh, but I have a few suggestions.  He has an aunt who is rather dizzy----Ver T. Gogh; a very polite, unsociable uncle---Please Gogh; and a cousin who ate a lot of prunes---Haveta Gogh.

While talking to a friend of mine, he stated, “Ya know, Trudy, having a good heart can put you in some difficult situations.”  I agreed with him, but gave him this to consider, “Those without a good heart are in that situation more often and on a continued basis. They can never feel as good as those with a good heart, hear a sincere ‘Thank you so much’, see a tear of gratitude, feel a hug of appreciation, or walk a little taller knowing they have helped someone live better or smile. So, keep that good old heart YOU have and keep on doing for others.”

I found this encouraging message:  “Give it to God….your bills, your health, your career, and your family.  Every night go to bed empty so you can wake up full….full of hope, peace, and favor.”  I gave my bills to God; however, AMEREN ILLINOIS was not impressed and they promised to turn off my electricity. They said, "Remember, God said, 'Let there be light' and it will happen if you pay your electricity bill."

I have reached an age where my mind says, “I can do that”…but my body says, “Try and die, fat girl.”  This was me when I tried to get up on a chair to kill a spider on the ceiling. My efforts were rejected by my body, and I was introduced to the floor for further thought about that silliness.  Have you ever heard a spider laugh?

Don’t trust everything you see.  Even salt looks like sugar; vodka looks like water; heat waves look like water; and pizza has 5 of the food groups and can be a full-meal deal.

A friend of mine has a 7^th grade boy.  He had shared with her how his teacher, who is pregnant with her first child, incorporated math into her pregnant condition.  The students got to vote on gender and each week they predicted how much the baby weighed and how long using standard and metric measurements. When she asked him if they got to predict and vote on how much weight the teacher gained each week, he laughed and replied, “Really, Mom? I want to actually pass 7th grade.”

Be decisive!  Right or wrong, make a decision.  The road of life is paved with flat squirrels which couldn’t make a decision.

Brenduhh came over upset.  “Trute, I think I’m just gonna die from all this I have to deal with.  I can’t take much more.”  I told her, “I understand.  Just remember, ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’”  She thought for a moment, and then made a profound statement, “I’m thinking about bears…bears will kill you.”  Eyes rolled and my lips were clamped shut.

I saw a sign the other day.  “Free bungee jumps for Congress.  No strings attached.”  YEP!!

It’s thought that the USA is the fattest country.  HA!!!  Mexico has an obesity rate of 32.8 percent. The good ole US of A is a close second with 31.8 percent of the population considered obese.  Wow!!  One whole point.

Ciao/chow and “vaya con Dios” to you this month!  As always, Trudy

2016 JULY "From My Perspective"

                                      2016 July FROM MY PERSPECTIVE

Have you ever wanted to tell someone off, but remain a lady or gentleman?  I have many times.  Here are some “gems” I’ve learned along the way to “Gotcha-ville”:  “You’re just a few fries short of a happy meal.”;  “Your mother was a back alley frequent flyer, wasn’t she?”;  “Your family tree has no roots and grows straight up.”;  “I listen to your answers and statements and my ears hurt.”;  “If you were my child, you wouldn’t be.”;  “I didn’t say you were stupid, you’ve opened your mouth and proven a suspicion.”; “You’re a conundrum, a curmudgeon, and categorized as floccinaucinihilipilification.”  “What did you say?” they questioned.  “You heard me,” was my retort.

Did you know there is license in silence, bras in bars, sole in sloe, spices in Pisces, and a reed in a deer?  There are many more; can you think of them?

“You don’t get to success without a series of failures.  Set-backs are a set-up for a come-back.”  Steve Harvey

I wondered about the difference between muffins and cupcakes.  Here is what I found:  While no single criterion distinguishes a muffin from a cupcake if you do not adopt the technical definition above, the following trends exist:

• Cupcakes tend to be sweeter than muffins; there are savory muffins such as cornbread
• Cupcakes are often iced or frosted, whereas muffins tend to have no topping, or a simple crumb topping
• Cupcakes usually have a head or top no larger than the body of the cupcake; muffins are often encouraged to overflow their baking cup, so that their top is larger in diameter, giving them somewhat of a mushroom shape
• Cupcakes are almost always, well, cupcake shaped; muffins can be made as just muffin tops
• Cupcakes are almost never crispy or crunchy; muffins are often encouraged to brown and develop texture, especially on the tops                                                                                                                              YOU’RE WELCOME!!

I remember I accidentally burned the toast. I announced it and was told by my Beloved, "Bring it to the table with some of your homemade jam, please." I did and apologized again. He said with a smile on his face, "This is the most tasty burned toast with home made jam I've had all day." I told him he'd not had any toast all day. He said, "I know that, but this is the first and the best of the day." He smiled; I hugged him.

“You either get bitter or you get better.  It’s that simple.  You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down.  The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you.”  Josh Shipp

Did you know that Spivey’s Corner, North Carolina hosts the annual Hollerin’ Contest on the second Saturday in September.  This is an old way of communicating over the mountain tops and hollers before the widespread use of telephones.  Yes, y’all, some places couldn’t get telephones and the poles put up because of the mountains.  The technology just wasn’t like it is now.  Think of Switzerland and the yodeling done from mountain top to mountain top.  That, too, is an art some of my readers are not familiar with.

There is one word which defines the refreshing odor of the air after it has rained.  Here it is and all you need to know about the word:  PETRICHOR   PRONUNCIATION:  (PET-ri-kuhr) MEANING: noun: The pleasant smell that accompanies the first rain after a dry spell. ETYMOLOGY: Coined by researchers I.J. Bear and R.G. Thomas in 1964, from Greek petros (stone) + ichor (the fluid that supposedly flows in the veins of the gods in Greek mythology).   (from: A Word A Day)

“Every act of conscious learning requires the willingness to suffer an injury to one's self-esteem. That is why young children, before they are aware of their own self-importance, learn so easily; and why older persons, especially if vain or important, cannot learn at all.”  Thomas Szasz, author, professor of psychiatry (15 Apr 1920-2012)        

Potpourri, from French literally means “rotten pot,” though it consists of a mixture of flowers, herbs, and spices collected to provide a pleasant scent, its meaning is just the opposite.

I found this and wanted to share it with you gals. 10 Facts Every Woman Should Know:  1. Everyone has rolls when they bend over.  2. When someone tells you that you're beautiful, believe them. They aren't lying. 
 3. Sometimes we all wake up with breath that could kill a goat.  4. For every woman unhappy with her stretch marks is another woman who wishes she had them.  5. You should definitely have more confidence. And if you saw yourself the way others see you, you would.  6. Don't look for a man to save you. Be able to save yourself.
7. It's okay to not love every part of your body....but you should.  8. We all have that one friend who seems to have it all together. That woman with the seemingly perfect life, well, you might be that woman to someone else.  9. You should be a priority. Not an option, a last resort, or a backup plan.  10. You're a woman. That alone makes you pretty damn remarkable.   words by Mary L. Leonard  I'd rather be a woman because crying and calling someone a "Poo-poo head" when I’m mad would sound silly for a man.

Do you remember the Sesame Street game of ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER(S)?  I found out that from:  avocado, broccoli, cucumber, and squash, only one is an actual vegetable.  Can you guess which one?  It is my favorite------BROCCOLI.  Here is the difference between fruit and vegetable:  Botanically speaking, a fruit is a seed-bearing structure that develops from the ovary of a flowering plant, whereas vegetables are all other plant parts, such as roots, leaves and stems. By those standards, seedy outgrowths such as apples, squash and, yes, tomatoes are all fruits, while roots such as beets, potatoes and turnips, leaves such as spinach, kale and lettuce, and stems such as celery and broccoli are all vegetables.  Don’t even ask me about bananas.  Since I’m human and seem to have the need to put things in categories, I am submitting a third category for fruits and vegetables.  It is called I DON’T KNOW, NOR CARE.

I read that jellyfish have survived for more than 500 million years, despite having no brains.  Wow!!!  That gives hope to some people.

Have you ever had to call a service representative to help you with an electronic device? Well, I did and it was not an enjoyable experience for the service rep. I THOUGHT I was going to have someone on the other side of the telephone receiver who spoke English. HA!!! They were on the other side of the WORLD trying to tell me what to do with an accent so thick cold butter was spreadable. I talked a while, and then started asking them to spell every word followed by me telling them how to pronounce the word and the definition of it in American English. I sensed their exasperation (three cheers for me), so I started to talk very fast (like I was a teenager and used "Like" every other word.) more exasperation on their part (evil snickering here and there). Then I asked to speak to someone who spoke English. They told me they spoke English. I told them I was an English teacher, born and raised in the United States of America and they did NOT speak English. They spoke a language taught to them by someone who was from their country who learned English from a book, had NEVER been to America, and had no clue as to what American English sounded like or how to use it. I told them I spoke American English and could understand Southern English, New England English, British English and Australian English and could even drawl like a cowboy. I asked to speak to their supervisor. Supervisor got on and wouldn't you know it, they spoke English with a thick Bengali accent. So I started my monologue and linguistic teaching all over again. They connected me with an English speaking person in Texas. She was originally from Mexico!!! but, I could understand a lot of what she said. I'm sure my name, telephone number, and call was highlighted in brilliant red and will be used for training purposes. That is fine with me because red is my favorite color......brilliant takes it to a higher level and teaching is my game!

Congress declared bourbon the official drink of the United States in 1964.  Cheers!!!
Until next month, may you have many blessings and smiles come your way.  Trudy