2015 November

            2015 NOVEMBER “FMP”

Just think, if we charged our cell phones by running on a treadmill, we’d be about the healthiest country in North America.

I saw some t-shirts the other day.  The sayings were share-worthy.  Here they are:  “Silently correcting your grammar.”  (My former students would love this one and pitch in $$ to buy it for me.); “Someone out there cares; not me, but someone.”; “Rhinos are just chubby unicorns.”;  “Ts’I mahnu uterna ot twan ot geifur hingts uto” (I had trouble typing this one.  English teachers are always aware of misspellings.); “Never trust an atom; they make up everything”; “Manure Occureth”; “Romaine Calm and Carrot On”; “The Past, The Present, and the Future walked into a bar.  IT WAS TENSE”; “DANCES WITH SQUIRRELS” (The visual is just too much!!); “Back off!!  I have a wand and I’ll bibbity-bobbity-boo your butt in a heartbeat!”

I started a new reducing weight eating program the other day.  While listening to ‘50s and 60s songs, SUGAR SHACK came on.  Well, there went the program!!

I remember when I was first introduced to geometry.  I was standing in the corner because I’d stuck my tongue out at Mother.

I just found some new words!!! cubicuboctahedron, Icosidodecahedron, Rhombic triacontahedron.  They’re in math.

Algebra is combining letters and numbers and one is expected to come up with an answer.  Only the devil would decide this is necessary.

Did you ever think that if common sense was lard, not many would be able to grease the pan?

While talking with my friend, Dianna, her husband, Dave, walked in and joined us.  She was telling me of someone she knew who has a male friend who experiences moments of anger and says things he shouldn’t.  He had yelled at Dianna.  I asked, Dave, “If you had been there, what would you have done?”  Knowing he has a strong protective side he said, “I would have told him, ‘Yell at her again and watch what happens.  The lights on the ambulance will either be on or off.’”   I couldn’t quit laughing because Dave is so quiet and peaceful. 

I went to the doctor the other day.  The nosy nurse just had to weigh me.  I told her to write on the report, “100 pounds.”  The doctor came in read the report and said, “Trudy!  You do not weight 100 pounds.”  I told him, “Yes I do.”  He said, “Oh really.  Explain it to me.”  I said, “Yes, I do weight 100 pounds……I just didn’t let her tell you the other numbers.”

I’ve been seeing “Theiyr’re” on Facebook followed by, “Take that, grammar police!”  Obviously, it’s a Southern drawl thing.

I just love this play on words.  “Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him-----------a super-calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.  (You groaned, I know.)

Did you know that neutering your male dogs and cats makes them less nuts? 

When my 3 children were growing up, I invested $5 in a set of strong wooden spoons.  When they’d throw their tempers around at me, I’d get one of my investments and show them how strong the molecular structure of the wood was.   I’d test the strength of the spoon on their butt 2 times and ask them if they needed me to demonstrate the strength of the wood, again.  A tree’s sacrifice was responsible for my children becoming responsible for their actions.  Thank you, tree.

I find tongue twisters to be lingual calisthenics.  Here is one for you:  AN INTUIT INUIT INDICATED

‘Interesting word that JABBERWOCKY used by Lewis Carroll in his famous “Alice Through the Looking Glass”, also known as “Alice In Wonderland.”  It means:  meaningless speech or writing.  There are so many hidden meanings to his writing of this story.  It is thought that he was mentally altered by drug use when he wrote it.

A male plain-clothes detective was surveying a crime scene.  There were a lot of females who were suspects.  One in particular started flirting with him.  His colleague said, “I think she likes you.”  He scoffed, “It’s the uniform.  It gets them every time.”  

I subscribe to a website, DAILY WRITING TIPS, which features grammar, words, and discussion(s) of the English language.  This was recently featured----

      10 “M” WORDS CONFUSED IN ENGLISH 

“1. manner / manor Manner is a way of doing or behaving. Ex. “The waiter has a pleasant and helpful manner.” A manor is a house on an estate. Ex. “Cardinal Thomas Wolsey acquired the 14th Century manor at Hampton Court in 1514.” Until King Henry VIII took it away from him, Wolsey was “lord of the manor.”  Ebook authors and celebrity-watchers seem to be especially prone to write the erroneous “lord of the manner.”   2. mantle / mantel A mantle is a cloak. The prophet Elijah designated Elisha as his successor by throwing his mantle over him. A mantel is the ornamental shelf above a fireplace on which people display trophies and knick-knacks.  3. marshal / Marshall In modern English, a marshal is an officer of the U.S. Justice Department or a parade leader. In Old English, a marshal was a servant whose job was to tend the horses. The occupation of marshal is reflected in the surname Marshall, but the double-l spelling is only for the proper name.  Marshal also functions as a verb meaning “to arrange or set things in methodical order.” For example, “I’m glad that I wrote my book, because it made me marshal my thoughts.”  4. martial / marital The error here is one of transposed letters. Martial is pronounced like marshal and means warlike. Marital is pronounced with three syllables, MARE-ih-tul, and means “relating to marriage.” The error, when it occurs, is always good for a laugh. Ex. “New York law also has what is known as constructive abandonment which means one spouse refuses to have martial relations for one or more years.”—Divorce lawyer’s site.  5. meter / metre Both words are nouns. A meter is a measuring device, like a gas meter. Metre is a metric unit or a type of rhythm in verse.  6. metal / mettle / meddle Metal is a hard, shiny, malleable material used in the manufacture of tools or artifacts. Mettle derives from the same source as metal and was once used in the same way, but now is used only figuratively to mean the quality of a creature’s disposition. A saucepan is made of metal. To really test their mettle, put presidential candidates in crisis.  Note: A mettlesome person or animal is full of spirit.  meddlesome individuals make themselves unpopular by interfering in affairs that do not concern them; they meddle. 7. militate / mitigate Militate is “to wage war.” Its current use is usually figurative, with the sense of “to weigh against.” Ex. “All the facts militate against this policy.” Mitigate is “to make something less severe.” Ex. “Homeowners can mitigate the loss of butterfly habitat by breaking up expanses of grass with forage plants.”            8. morbid / moribund Morbid means “in a diseased state.” Moribund means “in a dying state.” Both words derive from the Latin word for death and are used literally and figuratively.  9. mordant / trenchant Both words are applied to language and humor. Mordant comes from a French verb meaning “to bite” and means “bitingly sarcastic.” Trenchant comes from a French verb meaning “to cut.” A “mordant remark” hurts, whereas a “trenchant remark” enlightens.  10. mucous / mucus Mucus is a noun: “a viscous substance secreted by the mucous cells and glands of animals.” Mucous is an adjective: “of the nature of, resembling, or consisting of mucus.” A mucous gland excretes mucus.”

As you know, I am a retired English teacher.  This was your vocabulary lesson for the month.  You’re welcome!  

Recently I’ve been inundated with front door solicitors.  I got tired of it so I posted the picture of my dog, Abel, where anyone could see it.  I put this sign under the picture, “I will answer the door, if I’m Abel.”

Sign seen in a psychologist’s office:  “Normal” is just a setting on a washing machine.”  What a sense of humor!

Recently while driving I saw a truck with this sign on it:

“Scooper Heroes---We rescue you from the poo.”  I had no idea there was a business which made money off poo.

Here’s some food for thought:  If we didn’t have Monday’s everyone would just hate Tuesdays; Thursday would be “over the hump day” and what would we do about the camel??

I am proud to be “a grey-haired geezer”.  I’ve earned every strand of silver which crowns my head.  They don’t represent age; they represent hard work, caring about something and someone more than yourself, concern for others, sacrifice, and determination.  Together with the wrinkles on my face and the sagging of my skin, those strands of silver are not age, but mileage.  I’m not ashamed to say my age because there are so many who never made it to those milestones.  I have wisdom which came from experience and the school of hard knocks, and I will share it with those young whipper-snappers whether they like it or not.  Why?  It’s because, I’ve been your age, but you’ve never been mine.

Dear young mothers, NEVER, I mean NEVER, make eye-contact with a child on the verge of falling asleep.  They will sense your delight and abort the mission immediately!!  It is the season you need all the sanity you can muster.

Well, that’s it for this month.  Smiles, blessings and hot coffee to you.  Trudy

Apple Pickin' Time

Every year in September we take the children to the local orchard to pick apples. It's always a treat and very rewarding to the family unit. It's interesting to walk the rows and rows of trees, inspecting each one for the most delicious of apples. It's also a careful adventure, because not only are humans out there trying to "grab the best", flying insects known as BEES are there, too. Talk about dodging and weaving, it is at its best. This one particular bee just wouldn't leave us alone. Everywhere we walked, it was there too. We'd go to a different tree, there it would show up. We'd go to different rows. Hello! There it was. Now, I know you're going to mention that they all look alike. I know that, BUT when you watch a particular one to the point that you walk backwards so you don't miss it, you get a bit annoyed and suspicious. Tara started to become very uneasy with this "bee stalking". She'd watch it carefully and walk slowly down the rows. She stopped one time, put her hands on her hips and said very firmly, "You better leave me alone; I'm a lot bigger than you and I have big feet." I asked her who she was talking to. She replied, "Oh that stupid bee. I'm serious here, Grandma. I just might do something to cause it a lot of pain!" The decision to end this reign of terror was made. I told Tara to stand very still, which at this time was a bit difficult since the bee was getting "up close and personal". I reached up, picked an apple, took a big bite out of it, and put it on the ground. We waited until the bee landed on the apple. I carefully walked up to the apple, raised my foot and stomped. Sure enough, I smashed the bee AND the apple. Tara looked amazed, took my hand and said, "Great going, Grandma. You now have bee guts applesauce!" Oh, that was nice to know since we had about 50 pounds of apples among the 3 of us, and I had plans to make applesauce with most of them; apple crisp and apple breads were, also, on the list.
After a few hours of picking, dodging and weaving, and feeding the fish at the pond with the kids falling in trying to retrieve 3 pieces of pellet food, we went home discussing what we'd do with the apples. Well, y'all know what my plans were, but the kids had others. We were greeted at the door by our very happy-to-see-us, exuberant greyhound. One of the kids brought in their bag of apples and showed them to her. It was bowling for apples in the family room!!! The dog thought it was time to play "Roll and Bite" with the apples, and the kids were laughing too hard to put them back into the bag and bring them to the kitchen. I went in and started to retrieve them. Don't bend over to pick up apples in front of a crazy, exuberant greyhound. They immediately think you?re there to play "Poke ya in the buns"----it's a greyhound thing, folks. I was picking up as fast as I could---kids were weak laughing at the scene and no help----when she ran full-speed at my rear end, sending me sprawling full-eagle on top of the apples. I'm a big gal, old, and don't get up from a prone position on the floor quickly. Just when I thought I had my balance, an apple would roll and down I'd go again. Why is it this slap-stick is so funny to everyone but the fallen one? The dog continued to play "Poke ya in the buns" until I tossed an apple into the other room and she ran after it. Finally, I was able to get up. The kids said, "Grandma, that was the best show EVER!!!" 'Nothing like entertaining the children at my expense. One of them asked, "When are we going pumpkin pickin?" That is so much fun, too.? After the bee stalking, I know what lay ahead with the pumpkin picking. Sometimes there are snakes in the field. That's another story, folks.
APPLE LOAF
Makes 2 Loaves
4 cups diced, peeled apples
2 LARGE EGGS
2 cups plus 2 tsp. sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
2 sticks (1cup) butter
3 cups all-purpose flour
2 tsp. baking soda
2 tsp. ground cinnamon
1. Mix apples and 2 cups sugar in a large bowl. Leave at room temperature 2 hours, stirring occasionally.
2. Heat over to 325 F. Grease two loaf pans...8 1/2 x 4 1/2 in.
3. Melt butter; let cool
4. Mix flour, baking soda and cinnamon; stir into apples. Stir in butter, eggs and vanilla. Pour half into each pan; sprinkle each with 1 tsp. sugar.
5. Bake 1 1/4 to 1 1/2 hours or until a wooden pick inserted in centers of loaves comes out clean. Cool in pans on a wire rack 10 minutes before removing cakes to racks to cool completely.
6. Refrigerate until ready to serve. Then keep refrigerated.

2015 OCTOBER From My Perspective

       OCTOBER 2015 From My Perspective

This joke was sent to me by a friend.  “A 7-year old and a 4-year old were upstairs in their bedroom.  “You know what?” says the 7-year old.  “I think it’s about time we start swearing.”  The 4-year old nods his head in approval.  “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say hell, and you say ass. OK?”  The 4 year old agrees with glee.  The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 70year old what he wants for breakfast.  “Aw, hell Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cherrios.”  WHACK!!!  He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying.  The mother looked at the 4-year old and asked with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”  “I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it won’t be Cherrios.”  This is a segue to a personal happening along the same lines as the joke:  I remember the time, 1959, I was in the dining room and Mother was entertaining her bridge club of ladies in the living room. I had a girlfriend with me and I expressed my irritation at my boyfriend cancelling our date for that night. "It really pisses me off," I grumbled to her. The ladies stopped talking, and I heard Mother say, "Excuse me for a minute." She appeared in the dining room, grabbed my long ponytail and "encouraged" me to join her in the basement. "If you EVER say something like that again, you'll wish you had not," she said through her clenched teeth looking like a crazed rodent. Then she yanked my hair growling, "Do you understand?" To this day the word "piss" or any form of it seldom falls from my lips. I can still see Mother's face.

19 year old decided {yep! She had a choice} to act very nasty.  I told her she was being an ass.  She told me not to say that word.  I told her, “It describes your behavior which you’ve chosen.”  I told her, when she told me again to not say that word, “I’ve only just begun, Kiddo.”  “It’s your job/responsibility to make me happy,” she screamed.  I laughed all the way out the door, into the car and as I drove away.  I left to save her life!

By the age of six the average child will have completed the basic American education. ... From television, the child will have learned how to pick a lock, commit a fairly elaborate bank holdup, prevent wetness all day long, get the laundry twice as white, and kill people with a variety of sophisticated armaments. -Russell Baker, columnist and author (b. 14 Aug 1925)

Some PUNS I found:  Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.  The other day I held the door open for a clown; it was a nice jester.  Pasteurize:  too far to see.  No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.  The ENERGIZER bunny was arrested and charged with battery.  I put my Grandma on speed dial; I call that instagram.  I’m reading a book about anti-gravity; I can’t put it down.  I’m glad I know Sign Language; it’s pretty handy.  Prisoners use cell phones to call each other. 

I have some questions:  Why are there 5 syllables in “monosyllabic”?  Why is abbreviation so long?  Why do some people get upset at a lot of papers scattered on the floor, but think confetti is so much fun?  Why do some kids have a wonderful time running through a cold water sprinkler, but fuss with you when you tell them to take a warm shower…and use soap?

A “BUTT” was a Medieval unit of measurement for wine.  Technically, a butt load of wine is about 475 liters or 126 gallons.  You’re welcome!!!

My girlfriend came over for a chat.  She seemed a bit irritated at her teen aged son.  I asked her what the problem was.  She said, “Oh, Mike’s out spreading some ‘wild oats’.”   Trying to help her feel a little better I said, “You know that’s typical late-teen boy.” “Oh I know, and I’m hoping for crop failure,” she mused.

 “Anyone can give up; it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”  Unknown

My daughter-in-law, one of my gifts from God, told of this sign she found.  I’d like to share it with you.

“People wonder why I give so many compliments to strangers.  I’m not being fake, and I’m not looking for people to like me.  But, if I pass someone and I like something, I say it.  ‘Love those shoes!’ or “Great hair style.’ Why?  Because life is hard and this world can be a really tough place and people are mean.  You never know how much those few words mean to someone, you never know what hell they may be going through; and when you put positivity out there into the universe, YOU yourself become a happier person.  It’s hard to be nice and be miserable yourself.  It’ll reflect from the outside in.  I’m telling you random compliment giving will change your life, and maybe someone else’s, too.”

What is a ghost gust?  It’s a sudden rush of air by a spirit.

I enjoy watching gals eat whatever they like and "pig-out" on all the fattening stuff.  It doesn’t really bother me; I know it will eventually get them in the end.

Did you ever wonder why it was so peaceful in Mayberry with Andy, Opie, and Barnie.  Well, no one was married.  Those who were single were:  Andy, Opie, Barney, Aunt Bea, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou, and Clara.  In fact, the only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

I was taking a shower and saw a spider in there with me.  It got sprayed with water.  I’m not sure if it went down the drain or willingly leaped to its death after seeing me naked.  Either way, it’s gone.

People need to try to understand that my patience with them is not really one of my virtues.  I’m trying to stay calm so I don’t hurt them.

When Brenduhh came over, she told me of one of the things she remembered about her childhood.  “Trudy, I always thought my name was ‘No, No, dimwit’ when I was a kid.  Then, I’d go to my grandma’s and she’d call me ‘Sweetheart.’”  I smiled and told her, “I knew ALL my names when I was growing up....every single one of them…all yelled together in a nano second.”

A friend of mine and I were talking about being insulted by another person’s statement(s).   My friend is very observant and has lived a long time.  She said, “When someone tries to insult me I think to myself, ‘Do I value that person’s opinion?’  If I know I don’t value their opinion, I don’t feel insulted.”

I had some of a little cherry pie I bought at the store yesterday. I kept eating it thinking/hoping it would get better. Alright!!! I ate 1/2 of it. I'll give the other 1/2 to my daughter. She's not real crazy about cherry pie...........maybe she'll give me her left-overs.

“Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.”

George S. Patton

Giant tarantulas keep tiny frogs as pets.  Insects will eat the burrowing tarantulas’ eggs-so the spiders protect the frogs from predators, and in return the frogs eat the insects.  Hmmm, interesting.

Don’t you find it rather irritating when someone accuses you of lollygagging when you are clearly dilly dallying?  Yeesh!

This is an observation which has been over a long time.  The youth and young adults of today seem to be emulating, adoring, and putting so much value on the sun-drenched celebrities.  There will be tough times seeing the value of those---thinkers, probers, and scientists---who are keeping society together.  Everyone has something positive to offer our society…..some do it quietly…. in the shadows.

← The Humuhumunukunukuapua'a is Hawaii's state fish. Its name is longer than the fish!  I think the short name for it would be a “Hummer”.

Did you know that these trademark names:   BAND-AID, BUBBLE WRAP, CHAP STICK, KLEENEX, and POPSICLE are all regular words, now?  No, you don’t have to capitalize them when you write them.  Whew…I know you’re relieved.  J

Brenduhh came over all proud and rejoicing.  “I was in a bar the other night, Trudy, and the bartender yelled, ‘Does anyone know CPR!?’  I called out, ‘I know the entire alphabet!’  Everyone clapped, but one person.”  “You’re so smart, Brenduhh,” I said as I poured more tea.

I have a friend who has an obsession about wearing all her shiny, metal necklaces at the same time.  She seldom takes any of them off.  With all that gold, she looks like she has on a Mr. T starter set!

Have you ever watched movement on FACEBOOK of something you could do, such as mopping, dusting, or sweeping and your hand was still on the “mouse”?  My cursor gets a workout!

My pastor asked this question, “Can a human stand his or her ground without attacking the other?”  My reply was, “They can if they have the vocabulary for it, or if they can be silent.  Silence is a formidable weapon; so are words which are truthful…and then there is the ‘Mom look’.”         PEACE……Trudy