2015 November

            2015 NOVEMBER “FMP”

Just think, if we charged our cell phones by running on a treadmill, we’d be about the healthiest country in North America.

I saw some t-shirts the other day.  The sayings were share-worthy.  Here they are:  “Silently correcting your grammar.”  (My former students would love this one and pitch in $$ to buy it for me.); “Someone out there cares; not me, but someone.”; “Rhinos are just chubby unicorns.”;  “Ts’I mahnu uterna ot twan ot geifur hingts uto” (I had trouble typing this one.  English teachers are always aware of misspellings.); “Never trust an atom; they make up everything”; “Manure Occureth”; “Romaine Calm and Carrot On”; “The Past, The Present, and the Future walked into a bar.  IT WAS TENSE”; “DANCES WITH SQUIRRELS” (The visual is just too much!!); “Back off!!  I have a wand and I’ll bibbity-bobbity-boo your butt in a heartbeat!”

I started a new reducing weight eating program the other day.  While listening to ‘50s and 60s songs, SUGAR SHACK came on.  Well, there went the program!!

I remember when I was first introduced to geometry.  I was standing in the corner because I’d stuck my tongue out at Mother.

I just found some new words!!! cubicuboctahedron, Icosidodecahedron, Rhombic triacontahedron.  They’re in math.

Algebra is combining letters and numbers and one is expected to come up with an answer.  Only the devil would decide this is necessary.

Did you ever think that if common sense was lard, not many would be able to grease the pan?

While talking with my friend, Dianna, her husband, Dave, walked in and joined us.  She was telling me of someone she knew who has a male friend who experiences moments of anger and says things he shouldn’t.  He had yelled at Dianna.  I asked, Dave, “If you had been there, what would you have done?”  Knowing he has a strong protective side he said, “I would have told him, ‘Yell at her again and watch what happens.  The lights on the ambulance will either be on or off.’”   I couldn’t quit laughing because Dave is so quiet and peaceful. 

I went to the doctor the other day.  The nosy nurse just had to weigh me.  I told her to write on the report, “100 pounds.”  The doctor came in read the report and said, “Trudy!  You do not weight 100 pounds.”  I told him, “Yes I do.”  He said, “Oh really.  Explain it to me.”  I said, “Yes, I do weight 100 pounds……I just didn’t let her tell you the other numbers.”

I’ve been seeing “Theiyr’re” on Facebook followed by, “Take that, grammar police!”  Obviously, it’s a Southern drawl thing.

I just love this play on words.  “Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him-----------a super-calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.  (You groaned, I know.)

Did you know that neutering your male dogs and cats makes them less nuts? 

When my 3 children were growing up, I invested $5 in a set of strong wooden spoons.  When they’d throw their tempers around at me, I’d get one of my investments and show them how strong the molecular structure of the wood was.   I’d test the strength of the spoon on their butt 2 times and ask them if they needed me to demonstrate the strength of the wood, again.  A tree’s sacrifice was responsible for my children becoming responsible for their actions.  Thank you, tree.

I find tongue twisters to be lingual calisthenics.  Here is one for you:  AN INTUIT INUIT INDICATED

‘Interesting word that JABBERWOCKY used by Lewis Carroll in his famous “Alice Through the Looking Glass”, also known as “Alice In Wonderland.”  It means:  meaningless speech or writing.  There are so many hidden meanings to his writing of this story.  It is thought that he was mentally altered by drug use when he wrote it.

A male plain-clothes detective was surveying a crime scene.  There were a lot of females who were suspects.  One in particular started flirting with him.  His colleague said, “I think she likes you.”  He scoffed, “It’s the uniform.  It gets them every time.”  

I subscribe to a website, DAILY WRITING TIPS, which features grammar, words, and discussion(s) of the English language.  This was recently featured----

      10 “M” WORDS CONFUSED IN ENGLISH 

“1. manner / manor Manner is a way of doing or behaving. Ex. “The waiter has a pleasant and helpful manner.” A manor is a house on an estate. Ex. “Cardinal Thomas Wolsey acquired the 14th Century manor at Hampton Court in 1514.” Until King Henry VIII took it away from him, Wolsey was “lord of the manor.”  Ebook authors and celebrity-watchers seem to be especially prone to write the erroneous “lord of the manner.”   2. mantle / mantel A mantle is a cloak. The prophet Elijah designated Elisha as his successor by throwing his mantle over him. A mantel is the ornamental shelf above a fireplace on which people display trophies and knick-knacks.  3. marshal / Marshall In modern English, a marshal is an officer of the U.S. Justice Department or a parade leader. In Old English, a marshal was a servant whose job was to tend the horses. The occupation of marshal is reflected in the surname Marshall, but the double-l spelling is only for the proper name.  Marshal also functions as a verb meaning “to arrange or set things in methodical order.” For example, “I’m glad that I wrote my book, because it made me marshal my thoughts.”  4. martial / marital The error here is one of transposed letters. Martial is pronounced like marshal and means warlike. Marital is pronounced with three syllables, MARE-ih-tul, and means “relating to marriage.” The error, when it occurs, is always good for a laugh. Ex. “New York law also has what is known as constructive abandonment which means one spouse refuses to have martial relations for one or more years.”—Divorce lawyer’s site.  5. meter / metre Both words are nouns. A meter is a measuring device, like a gas meter. Metre is a metric unit or a type of rhythm in verse.  6. metal / mettle / meddle Metal is a hard, shiny, malleable material used in the manufacture of tools or artifacts. Mettle derives from the same source as metal and was once used in the same way, but now is used only figuratively to mean the quality of a creature’s disposition. A saucepan is made of metal. To really test their mettle, put presidential candidates in crisis.  Note: A mettlesome person or animal is full of spirit.  meddlesome individuals make themselves unpopular by interfering in affairs that do not concern them; they meddle. 7. militate / mitigate Militate is “to wage war.” Its current use is usually figurative, with the sense of “to weigh against.” Ex. “All the facts militate against this policy.” Mitigate is “to make something less severe.” Ex. “Homeowners can mitigate the loss of butterfly habitat by breaking up expanses of grass with forage plants.”            8. morbid / moribund Morbid means “in a diseased state.” Moribund means “in a dying state.” Both words derive from the Latin word for death and are used literally and figuratively.  9. mordant / trenchant Both words are applied to language and humor. Mordant comes from a French verb meaning “to bite” and means “bitingly sarcastic.” Trenchant comes from a French verb meaning “to cut.” A “mordant remark” hurts, whereas a “trenchant remark” enlightens.  10. mucous / mucus Mucus is a noun: “a viscous substance secreted by the mucous cells and glands of animals.” Mucous is an adjective: “of the nature of, resembling, or consisting of mucus.” A mucous gland excretes mucus.”

As you know, I am a retired English teacher.  This was your vocabulary lesson for the month.  You’re welcome!  

Recently I’ve been inundated with front door solicitors.  I got tired of it so I posted the picture of my dog, Abel, where anyone could see it.  I put this sign under the picture, “I will answer the door, if I’m Abel.”

Sign seen in a psychologist’s office:  “Normal” is just a setting on a washing machine.”  What a sense of humor!

Recently while driving I saw a truck with this sign on it:

“Scooper Heroes---We rescue you from the poo.”  I had no idea there was a business which made money off poo.

Here’s some food for thought:  If we didn’t have Monday’s everyone would just hate Tuesdays; Thursday would be “over the hump day” and what would we do about the camel??

I am proud to be “a grey-haired geezer”.  I’ve earned every strand of silver which crowns my head.  They don’t represent age; they represent hard work, caring about something and someone more than yourself, concern for others, sacrifice, and determination.  Together with the wrinkles on my face and the sagging of my skin, those strands of silver are not age, but mileage.  I’m not ashamed to say my age because there are so many who never made it to those milestones.  I have wisdom which came from experience and the school of hard knocks, and I will share it with those young whipper-snappers whether they like it or not.  Why?  It’s because, I’ve been your age, but you’ve never been mine.

Dear young mothers, NEVER, I mean NEVER, make eye-contact with a child on the verge of falling asleep.  They will sense your delight and abort the mission immediately!!  It is the season you need all the sanity you can muster.

Well, that’s it for this month.  Smiles, blessings and hot coffee to you.  Trudy